Stories from RED
by Miss Wheets
Summary: A series of one shots, two shots and maybe more involving the deadly and ridiculous world of the RED team.
1. Meeting Day, part I

Nobody on the RED team was quite sure how Meeting Day had started.

At first everyone had though it was a joke, or at least another ridiculous idea of Soldier's that could be laughed at, tossed aside and forgotten along with all of his others, not the least of which was "Burn Maps of Germany Day", which had, quite obviously, not gone down well with certain German team members.

In fact, despite his supposed position as "leader", there was nobody who actually took the Soldier even remotely seriously, with the possible exception of Heavy, who admittedly did not have the slightest clue what was going on at any given time.

Meeting Day had began, at least to Soldier, as an hour long session each week to plan strategies, discuss new weapons and…..well, quite honestly, those were the only things he could think up at the time.

For everyone else, Meeting Day was the perfect day to simply do fuck all.

The boardroom was packed with what may have been the oddest collection of people shoved into the smallest possible space. Nine chairs encircled the oval table, with Soldier taking his place at the head. Peering out from underneath his helmet, which was far too large for him (though he would never admit it), he surveyed the crew in front of him.

To his right side sat the Spy, a sneaky Frenchman with a flair for style and the dramatic. Undeniably suave and unbelievably dangerous, he twirled a butterfly knife in his hands with practiced ease, the blade flashing in his hands.

Beside him sat the Heavy and Medic, an inseparable duo who would have completed each other's sentences had they spoken the same language. Instead, they communicated through the middle ground of broken English, which made them appear almost comical on the battlefield. It was deceiving. He was a bear of a man who could have torn a person in two, while the Good Doctor was just unstable enough to be on the edge of madness. Their partnership hit the battleground with a terrifying fury that led every member of BLU to shake in their boots, if not wet their pants.

At the far right hand corner the Engineer could be seen, fiddling with his hat. A truly brilliant Texan, he was one of the few members that could be almost considered of sound mind, at least as far as mercenaries go. However, there was a heavy suspicion among team members that he loved his machines more than people, and everyone had seen the suspicious hand shaped blueprints hanging in his office. Despite their unease, he was a man with a soft voice and easy manner, and provided an element of stability the team desperately needed.

To the Soldier's left sat another strange group of four. Beginning the lineup was one of the most bizarre men in the room, and considering the company this was saying quite a lot. A lean black man filled the chair, dressed in traditional Scottish garb with an eye patch secured firmly around his left eye. A bottle of whisky was shoved hastily between his knees, a poor attempt at concealment. He occasionally mumbled words to himself that may have been English, though gibberish was closer to the truth. He was hardly a threatening image, or at least wouldn't have been if it weren't for the assortment of explosives hanging from his torso.

A boy of no more than twenty was closest to the Demoman, twitching and impatiently running a hand up and down a steel baseball bat. Even sitting still he seemed fast, an almost imperceptible constant motion vibrating through his whole body. As the team's Scout, his job was speed, and such an occupation was perfectly fine with him.

The Sniper filled the next chair, a self-professed professional who was the Scout's opposite in almost every way imaginable. Quiet and still, he carried himself with an easy nonchalance that could make even the most uptight person relax in his presence. This easygoing manner was often mistaken for gentleness, which was a mistake. As a man who believed that the best way to stay alive was to "have a plan to kill everyone you meet", he was nothing less than one of the most deadly men in Australia. (The _most_ deadly man in Australia, if you happen to be curious, spent his time beating up crocodiles and dressed in small jean shorts.)

The final team member stood out from the others in several ways, the most obvious of which being the fact that she was female. Clad in a fire resistant suit, the Pyrotechnician (or, as she was often referred to behind her back, the 'Pyromaniac) was not your typical young woman. With a spiky red haired bob and clever grey eyes, she gave off an air of cunning that often made people wonder exactly how many steps ahead of them she was. She was a person who could make you laugh and set you at sense of extreme unease at the same time, and just like the rest of RED, she was perfect at killing in her own special way.

**BANG!**

A shovel hit the table with a massive smash. It was the best way the Soldier could think of to attract attention. Other than shouting, of course.

"SOLLLLLL-DIERS! AT EASE!"

The Spy shot him a withering look. "We were never at attention in the first place, you utter imbecile."

Ah yes. Meeting Day had certainly begun.


	2. Meeting Day, part II

**BANG!**

A shovel hit the table with a massive smash. It was the best way the Soldier could think of to attract attention. Other than shouting, of course.

"SOLLLLLL-DIERS! AT EASE!"

The Spy shot him a withering look. "We were never at attention in the first place, you utter imbecile."

At this comment, a loud snort echoed from somewhere near the Pyro. The Soldier's beady eyes fixed on her.

"SOMETHING FUNNY, PRIVATE?"

She then grinned openly. "Private? I'm sorry, I didn't realize we had ranks now." Another snort was issued, this time from several other members of the team. The Soldier turned a deep purple color, before grabbing his shovel from the centre of the table and once again throwing it back down. He intended the gesture as a means of shocking the team into silence, but it only incited more sniggers; along with a very loud swear from the Demoman who had been temporarily startled out of his drunken doze.

Things were not going as the Soldier had anticipated. The Demoman's loud curse had quite literally caused the Scout to fall out of his chair from laughter, and several others appeared to be not far behind him. On the other side of the table, the Heavy was utterly lost as to what the conversation was even about, and had began to butter two slices of bread as a snack to get himself through the confusion.

It was the Engineer who finally brought the team to some semblance of order.

"Now look," he drawled, his slow Southern accent filling the room, "this gentleman has a few words to say. Whether or not they're worth listening to is up for debate, but -"

"Zey are not." The Medic rolled his eyes derisively.

"BUT," the Engineer continued, shooting the Medic a steely glance, "We should shut our mouths anyway and at least hear him out."

The room actually quieted at this, the Engineer having the certain qualities of good leadership that the Soldier could never quite master. (One such quality was being in possession of an IQ over 80, an area in which the Soldier was sorely lacking. He was, however, excellent at throwing shovels. Big shovels, small shovels, you name it, he could throw it. It would make a nice loud sound too.)

The Soldier gave the Engineer a look that was an odd combination of gratitude, anger and jealousy, before continuing his carefully prepared speech.

"GENTLEMEN."

The Pyro gave a small cough. He frowned.

"GENTLEMEN AND YOU. I have been EVALUATING the enemy's MILITARY STRATEGIES!" The Soldier was known for stressing words in his sentences that didn't really require any emphasis. "I have discovered THAT there is a WEAKNESS in their defense TACTICS!"

Interest was piqued at this. The BLU offense was, in a word, atrocious. But they managed to bunker down extremely effectively on defense, making it extraordinarily difficult to even get close to their intelligence.

"I HAVE studied this MAP of the AREA!" he bellowed. The Spy twitched, inconspicuously covering up the ear closest to the Soldier, lest he go deaf.

"I HAVE DISCOVERED a sewer!" With an uncharacteristic dramatic sweep, he produced a map of the two forts. Near the bottom he had drawn about twelve large arrows pointing to the sewer system that ran between them. A triumphant look spread across his features, and he looked out to his team members, readying himself for their inevitable cheers.

They stared back.

The silence lasted a good six seconds, before the Sniper opened his mouth.

"Are you joking?"

The Soldier looked at him in confusion.

"Oh bloody hell. You're dead serious, aren't you?"

The reaction was not what the Soldier had anticipated. The expressions on the team's faces ranged from pitying amusement to stunned disbelief. The Scout's face was the first to break into a large grin.

"Oh my god. You had no frickin' idea, did you Solly? Holy shit. You're unbelievable. My ears man, they can't even believe what they just heard. They're like just…wow. Okay. Wow."

The Pyro's face soon followed the Scout's, a wide smile splitting her features.

"I don't quite know how to tell you this…we've, um…well we've…"

"Known about those sewers for months?" finished the Sniper, scratching the back of his head.

The Soldier surveyed the group. A different man may have felt embarrassment at such a mistake, or could have detected the new sense of awkwardness present in the room. The Soldier, however, had neither the time nor the mental capacity to consider such things. Instead, he opted for what he did best. Snatching the shovel from the table yet again, he sent it crashing down with another satisfying **BANG.**

"THAT IS the only THING I NEEDED to say." He shouted. "WE do NOT get better AT FIGHTING by SITTING in a ROOM. WHAT are all OF YOU still DOING HERE anyway? GO FIGHT THINGS." At this, he marched out of the room, slamming the door behind him with a loud bam.

The team stared dumbfounded after him, slightly unsure of how to react to this latest meeting. The door slam awakened the Demoman from his slumber, and he turned to the Medic with bloodshot eyes.

"Wha'…wha'd I miss?"

The Medic blinked at him. "Ze usual."

With a grumble, the Demoman shifted before taking a long swig from his bottle.

"I don' even know why I come to these bloody things, ah really don'."


	3. Engi and Pyro: The Courtyard

"_Mission begins in sixty seconds."_

The Announcer's cool voice filled the courtyard. The battle was beginning, and the team was moving to the various positions they had discussed night before. The courtyard chokepoint was being held by a tag team of the Pyro and the Engineer, one of the more capable duos on the team. The Engi's massive sentries gave the Pyro extra firepower she didn't have on her own, while she efficiently revealed and disposed of his worst nemesis: The enemy Spy.

The Engineer made a last few finishing touches to his sentry, before giving a final tighten to the bolts on the side. "Ready, little lady?"

She grinned back wickedly. "I'll assume you're talking to me, not the gun. And to answer your question: Yup."

He laughed, before tossing her gasmask towards her. She pulled it on, and hoisted her flamethrower up.

"_Mission begins in __**five."**_

"_**Four."**_

"_**Three."**_

"_**Two."**_

"_**ONE!"**_

A siren wailed through the base. Soon the echoing boom of two opposing Sniper rifles could be heard in the air, followed by the taunting yells of the two Scouts. The courtyard was quiet for now, but both knew it wouldn't be long until-

_**RATATATATATATAT!**_

The Engineer's sentry spat out a rapid volley of bullets at a Scout who had whirred around the corner. Quick as he had appeared, he was gone again, but the small trail of blood leading from the courtyard showed that he hadn't escaped unscathed. Engi snapped his fingers, grabbing the Pyro's attention. He pointed down the long hallway opposite his sentry.

"Flush him out." He murmured quietly. She flashed him a quick thumbs up before heading down the hall.

There were a few moments of silence before a loud scream followed by a sickening **thunk, **and then a very flammable Scout came flying out of the hallway. The sentry zeroed in, made a pleased _boop, _and then let its rockets fly.

The Engineer chuckled when small piece of the Scout landed next to him. "Quick as a hiccup, ain't ya?" The smile was promptly wiped from his face. "Huh. Not quick enough."

He tensed for a moment as he saw another figure emerge from the hallway, but relaxed when he saw the Pyro. As she got closer, he noticed a pronounced limp in her step.

"Hell, what happened to you?"

She leaned against the wall in obvious discomfort. "Mmph mmpph mph mph."

He stared at her. "Beg pardon?"

She wheezed once, before pulling off her gasmask. "I _said, _the little bastard got me. He was all lit up like a Christmas tree but somehow managed to take out my leg with that piece of shit baseball bat. You got a dispenser set up?"

He shook his head. "Nope. Give me a second lil' lady, I'll get one up right quick."

She sat down heavily on the stairs. "Try to be fast," she winced, "I think he broke my femur."

The Engineer set to work, initiating a toolbox into autobuild mode while helping it along with a few tweaks from his wrench. A few more BLU members showed up, but none were as quick as the Scout and were swiftly shot down by the sentry.

Unexpectedly, the Sniper ran out of the long hallway, freezing when he saw the Engie and Pyro staring back at him.

"What are you doing here?" she said, raising her eyebrows. "Thought you were going to stay on the battlements the whole time."

He stared back at her, blinking. "Oh right…I…needed supplies. Ran out of ammo, y'know."

She narrowed her eyes at him before tightening her grip around the axe that was out of his sight. "Is that so?"

He gave a bark of laughter. "Blimey, Sheila, what's it to ya? Headin' back up there now, no harm done."

He attempted to jog by her up the stairs, but lurched to a halt when her hand shot up and grabbed his shirt. "_Is…that…so?" _she snarled, before giving a massive heave and yanking him down to the ground.

The Engie jumped to his feet. "Hey, little lady, what the tarnation do you think you're doing? Sniper's got a job to do, now quit foolin' around?"

Pyro was on her feet now, albeit somewhat unsteadily as the dispenser was not quite fully erected. This didn't stop her from pinning the Sniper against the wall.

"I'd _love _to stop fooling around," she hissed, staring straight into his eyes. "But there's a problem_. _You're not a Sniper, are you…._monsieur?"_

Suddenly, several things happened very quickly. Pyro was thrown backwards and hit the ground on her back. The 'Sniper' _swooshed_ into invisibility, and a large electrical sapper appeared on the Engineer's sentry gun.

"**SPAH!**" bellowed the Engi, smashing the sapper full force with his wrench. "**THERE'S A SPAH 'ROUND HERE!"**

The Pyro staggered to her feet, grabbing her flamethrower and letting it loose on the courtyard. It revealed nothing, only lighting up a small dry brush in the corner. She growled, and slung the flamer over her back. Pulling out her axe, she joined the Engineer in his attempts to beat off the sapper. It fell off after a few more hits, but the sentry was heavily damaged. It would take some time to repair.

Grabbing her gasmask from where she had left it on the stair, she flung it across the courtyard in anger. She tried to do this on one foot, and promptly lost her balance and fell on the ground.

"COME BACK HERE, ASSHOLE!" she screamed. "YOU STUPID PIECE OF SCUM! I'LL ROAST YOU ALIVE, Y'HEAR! YOU DUMB FUCKING BASTARD!"

The Engineer sighed, and walked over to her. Grabbing her hand, he pulled her to her feet.

"Look, he didn't touch the dispenser. Go sit over there and heal of that leg ah yours, and let's just regroup. He won't be able to hide from us if he gets the intel, so let's just wait it out, mmm?"

She nodded resignedly, and looked back at him.

"Hey Engi?"

He raised an eyebrow.

"Can you grab my gasmask for me?" She pointed to the far end of the courtyard, where the mask had struck the opposite wall. "I, uh…misplaced it. Accidentally. Purely an accident. Whoops."

He rolled his eyes, but retrieved it anyway. Tossing it to her, he grinned.

"You're gonna light that cowardly S.O.B. right up, ain't you?"

She grinned right back, before pulling the mask over her face.

"Mmmph."


End file.
